A skiff out on the ocean

I recently completed a 3 month solo retreat at the Dharma Centre of Canada. Here is an image that arose during my retreat that embodies an aspect of my experience. The image arose during this longer retreat, and  may represent the experience of others during a shorter time in retreat. 

During this retreat, day after day, I noticed that I’m not really in control. There are a myriad of experiences that are arising and I must  learn to work with them. Lessen the struggle, and learn to observe and adjust. Because as focus increases, more detail is revealed, things move faster, there is more to release. 

The image that arose is of a small boat, a skiff, setting out on the ocean. Each morning, each sit, each segment of the day presents itself anew, and just because I woke up feeling fresh, by the time mid morning rolls around, the weather has changed and there is a new set of circumstances at play.

Finding and maintaining a meditative continuum through this is a challenge…and the challenge is affected by many factors, such as:

One's physical state: am I hungry, or drowsy from my last meal? How did I sleep, did I exercise enough, stretch enough, how is my posture today?

Mental activity: emotions roll through like storms on the ocean. Happy, content, good focus, muddy mind, has a fog rolled in, not to mention anxiety or despair, am I failing at this! I don’t know what I’m doing!!! And planning.  OMG, any planning or scheduling necessary to maintain the retreat creates a lot of mental activity, agitation that takes time to settle, like waves tossing then slowly settling. 

Attachment to the shore: A gentle way of saying this is, ’cutting the apron strings’. Am I feeling brave enough, strong enough, relaxed enough, to let go of the shore and take steps into the unknown, to trust the universe. Not easily done, as an array of ‘habitual patterns’, sticky ones, keep me tethered to the ‘comfortably familiar’ despite their actual discomfort. Ahhh, the familiar shore.

‘Inner dialogue’ was a big challenge for me. You know… the monologue of play by play…of inner critic, inner judgement, even inner comedy. Songs in the head on repeat or popping up randomly. All these needed to be recognised and pared away till silenced. 

I found two factors that helped me to leave the security of the shore. To trust.

First, Sadha-Confidence: Confidence in the work done, in my preparation, in my teacher and the teachings that have brought me to this glorious point in this life. Feeling ready to face the constantly changing weather as it arises.   

Second, Viriya-Energy. Confidence supported the practice, then the energy of inquiry and question was used to calm and to stop struggling against the flow, allowing me to find courage and let go of the familiar shore and set sail. That same energy is then required to flow through the turbulence, till it gradually becomes more of an ebb and flow and finally smoothes, to stillness. Namgyal Rinpoche used to say of working with our energies: ”You’ve got to wake it up, then settle it down”.

Riding the waves, riding the energies, riding the dragon.

May this be of benefit to all beings.

Richard